


Fight with yourself

by LightsUpInTheNorth



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy's POV, Coma, Fix It Fic, M/M, Near-Death Experience, Post Season 3, Violence (Mild), it was first posted on my old account ah ah, mentions of child abuse, suicide ideation (a character thinks about letting themselves die at some point), this fic is a repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24895528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightsUpInTheNorth/pseuds/LightsUpInTheNorth
Summary: The second he woke up, Billy breathed in sharply and his hands flew to his chest of their own volition. They found smooth skin where a gaping wound should have been. He briefly wondered if it had all been a dream. It sure had felt as surreal, and fuzzy too. He could barely remember anything, apart from getting impaled. His dreams were fucked-up, sometimes, but never that fucked-up.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	Fight with yourself

**Author's Note:**

> This is the repost of a fic I posted on another account some time ago, so if it looks familiar it's probably because you've stumbled upon it already at some point ^^
> 
> (The title of the fic is taken from the song You, by Keaton Henson.)

The second he woke up, Billy breathed in sharply and his hands flew to his chest of their own volition. They found smooth skin where a gaping wound should have been. He briefly wondered if it had all been a dream. It sure had felt as surreal, and fuzzy too. He could barely remember anything, apart from getting impaled. His dreams were fucked-up, sometimes, but never that fucked-up. It was the only explanation, though. He was fine. Wasn’t he?

Itching for a smoke, he looked for his pack of cigarettes in the dark, his hand reaching out to the nightstand. It came up empty. The nightstand felt different under his palm, too, but it didn’t register immediately. He was too busy trying to remember where he had put his damn cigarettes. Cursing, he sat up on his bed and had to wait a second before getting up to open the curtains. His head was pounding, and his legs felt like cotton, even though he wasn’t even using them yet.

He understood things were not how they were supposed to be when his feet finally touched the ground. Since when his shitty house had hardwood floors?

He reached the curtains despite the headache and weak legs.

The sea was the first thing he saw once they were opened. Okay, so this wasn’t Hawkins. He thought he was back in California, for a second. But that was stupid. Made no sense. Plus, it didn’t really look like the beaches he had been to when he still lived there. The colors were different: the sea was a greyish blue, the sun was pale, and the sand had a strange reddish hue.

He turned away from the window to throw a quick glance around the room. There wasn’t much in it. Just a bed and a nightstand. The walls were blank. No picture or poster. There was no wardrobe or desk. A white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans were folded neatly at the foot of the bed.

Billy got dressed slowly. He was not panicking, which seemed unnatural. He had no idea where he was, how he had gotten here, or what he would find outside of this room. Still, he could not bring himself to care all that much. An eerie sense of calm had washed over him.

The need to smoke had vanished.

He exited the room and found the stairs without even having to look for them. The layout of the house was the same as his childhood home’s. But everything was cream-colored and devoid of gaudy decoration. The biggest change was the location. They had lived a lot further from the sea, back then. No way his parents could have afforded to rent a house that close to the beach.

He entered the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks. A woman was standing in front of the window. Her back was turned to him, but there was no mistaking that curly blond hair.

“Mom?” He asked, his voice coming out strangled.

He hadn’t seen her in years. When it had sunk in that his mother would not come back for him, that she had really left him with his shitty dad, Billy had been mad. He always thought he’d give her a piece of his mind if he ever saw her again. Now that she was right in front of him, however, he was a child again. Sad, and hurt, and just wanting to be loved.

She turned around, in no hurry, and smiled at him. However, the smile didn’t reach her eyes, for they held some sort of sadness. She had not changed one bit since the last time Billy had seen her.

He had to still be asleep. He had awakened from a dream, only to find himself in another one. It didn’t matter. Billy would make the best of it. He rarely ever dreamt of his mother anymore, and when he did it was never nice.

When she spoke, tears sprang to his eyes. He had almost forgotten the sound of her voice.

“Billy, my sweet boy, how I missed you!” She marveled, crossing the few meters separating them to cup his face in her gentle hands.

Billy shied away from her gaze, refusing to look into her eyes. He didn’t deserve to be called her sweet boy anymore, and the part she had played in replacing his sweetness by anger didn’t alleviate his guilt any.

Guilt was not a familiar feeling until he punched Steve Harrington’s lights out and subsequently realized he’d been unfair to Max ever since they had left California for the shithole that was Hawkins, Indiana. Nowadays, it was the only thing left. Guilt was the ashes of everything his anger had burnt, and there was so much of it that it threatened to choke him, at times.

His mother put her arms around him and held him tight, as if she had been able to feel his anguish. Billy hugged her back before hiding his face in the crook of her neck. She still wore the same perfume. He inhaled deeply and exhaled a shaky breath.

It really was the nicest dream.

“Honey, it’s not a dream. Not exactly.”

Billy’s eyes widened. Had he said that out loud? He was almost certain he had not. Well, wasn’t that creepy…

“What do you mean?”

“Let’s sit, darling, I’ll explain a few things.”

They sat on opposite sides of the kitchen table. His mother kept silent for a while. She was sitting ramrod straight, which was not like her. Billy crossed his arms over his chest defensively. He could tell he was not going to like whatever it was she had to say.

“Look, Billy… I’d like to sugarcoat it for you, but I just don’t know how. I have to tell it how it really is, else it won’t be any help.”

“Mom, can you go straight to the point?”

Her rambling made no sense to Billy, and he could feel his newfound tranquility wilting like a fragile flower.

“Sure, sorry darling. Here we go… so… I don’t know the exact circumstances, but you nearly died, and now you’re literally between life and death. A kind of limbo, if you will.”

Of course.

Billy opened his mouth, about to reply this was the biggest load of bullshit he had ever heard, but then he remembered his ‘dream’. There had been a girl, a girl with dark brown eyes, reaching out to him. And then there had been pain. A lot of it. And, finally, he had woken up here.

Many questions assaulted his mind all at once, so many that he could not clearly formulate them, even in thought. So, instead of asking anything to his mother, he got up and went outside. He needed some time to think. Fresh air would not hurt either. If there was even air “between life and death”. Whatever.

He walked on the beach for a while, and then decided to go for a swim. Because why not? He had missed the ocean.

The sea was calm, and the water temperature was perfect. It felt like coming home. Once his body was fully submerged, the pressure melted away. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed when he finally got back to the house, appeased. If he chose to ignore the problem, maybe it would go away. Maybe he could just spend more time with his mother and pretend everything was normal even though he was apparently half-dead. And if she wasn’t really his mother, if she was some illusion his broken subconscious had conjured, well he could just ignore that too. The illusion was convincing enough.

“Are you okay?” She asked as Billy came into the living-room.

“’m fine”, he mumbled.

She tilted her head, not quite buying it. Billy really felt fine, though. As fine as one could feel when they didn’t quite grasp what was going on. He still hadn’t made up his mind. Had his mother (or whatever she was) told the truth? Or was Billy trapped in an overly intricate dream?

His mother was sitting on the couch, apparently doing nothing. He lay down until his head was resting on his mother’s lap. She started playing with his hair, as she used to when he was a little kid.

“I wasn’t done when you left, darling.”

Apparently, his mother would not let him ignore his problems. Rude.

“Well, maybe I’m a quitter. What is it that they say? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, or something.”

It was a low blow, but there was a fifty percent chance she was just a figment of his imagination, so it wasn’t that big a deal.

The hand with which she was caressing his hair paused.

“Billy… I never meant to leave you. It’s just… I got sick. Very sick. I couldn’t stay with Neil, then. And I didn’t want you to see me like that. I didn’t want you to worry. I was planning on coming back for you, as soon as I got better. I was so sure I would be fine, in the end, because I had to be, for you. I was overly optimistic. I never came back for you, ‘cause I didn’t get better…”

“You mean, you died?” He didn’t know why he needed the confirmation for. What she had said was clear enough.

“Yes, darling. About six months after I left.”

Billy teared up, but he also felt a weird sense of relief. Her death meant she had not abandoned Billy. She had not gone willingly. The relief dissipated quicker than a cloud of smoke, though, leaving guilt in its wake. Good old guilt… always hanging around Billy like an old pal. What kind of person felt relief hearing their mother was dead?

“That’s why I’m here with you. I was sent to guide you. But I can’t stay too long. I don’t belong in this in-between state. I just have to finish telling you what I have to tell you. And then I have to go back where I came from.”

Billy wanted to ask who sent her, and where she came from exactly, but he didn’t have time to: his mother kept speaking.

“You have to fight for your life, Billy. You have to find your way out of here, back to the land of the living. That’s what I was assigned to tell you.”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“No one can really know that but yourself. You have to listen to your instinct and look out for the clues.”

Jeez. Could this be any vaguer?

“There are only two rules. First, don’t ever stay too long in the same place: keep moving forward. Second, do not, under any circumstance, fall asleep out there.”

Well, that did not sound ominous at all.

“Why not?”

“Well, you’re not meant to stay here either. No one is meant to stay between life and death. You have to choose one. If you don’t, this place will choose for you, and it only ever chooses the latter. That’s also why you can’t fall asleep. You would only fall deeper into this place, so deep you might not be able to climb back up and reach the land of the living anymore.”

“Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Billy, you have to take this seriously.”

“I do, I swear.”

He still wasn’t sold on whether this was real or a fever dream, but it wouldn’t hurt to reassure his mother anyway.

“The closer you’ll be from the land of the living, the harder it will be for you to keep going. Try to keep that in mind when you feel like giving up.”

The more he learnt about this place, the worse it seemed. He really hoped it was a fever dream. And he hoped he was going to wake up from it very soon, too.

“Now I have to go, my darling boy.”

“Already?”

Billy was clinging to his mother’s lap without meaning to.

“Yes, I’m sorry. But we’ll see each other again one day. I just hope it won’t be too soon. Be careful out there, and in life too. And never forget that I love you.”

“I love you too.”

As soon as the words had passed Billy’s lips, his mother faded away under him, until his head was resting on the couch cushion instead of her lap.

He allowed himself cry for a few minutes, and then he spaced out for God know how long before he snapped out of it and started moving, as his mother had advised. When he exited the house, this time, Billy shivered. The sun was now hidden behind dark grey clouds, and cold wind was whistling in the trees behind the house. The sea was no longer calm, sending angry waves crashing against the shore. When the first bolt of lightning stroke, Billy awoke from his stupor and realized it was time to hightail away from there.

Behind the house, all he could see was a dense forest, and nothing about that appealed to him, so he chose to walk (or more like jog) along the beach for a while. “Follow your instincts”, and all that.

The weather got back to normal after a few miles, and Billy felt safe enough to slow down.

Everything was surprisingly fine for quite a long time. But then, Billy started hearing a faint beeping sound, followed by voices, and he was on his guard again.

Billy could hear the voices as clearly as if the people they belonged to were standing right next to him:

“He’s breathing on his own, I don’t get why he isn’t waking up…”

“It’ll happen, Doctor Owens, don’t worry. Just give him some time.”

“I wish his family came to see him. I’m sure it would help.”

Okay. He could apparently hear what was happening next to his unconscious body, wherever that was. This was on another level altogether. He wasn’t sure dreams could be elaborate enough for him to hear some people talk about him on another plane of existence. So, he was probably not dreaming. Either he really was in limbo, or he was trapped in his own subconscious. Whatever option was the right one, it made no difference. He had to find a way out of this place: the nature of the said place did not matter. He had no clue what to do other than what his mother had told him to. There was no choice. He could only keep moving forward.

He tried not to think about what the voices had said. Else he would not feel like moving at all. Sure, there was nothing unexpected about his family not visiting him. Susan didn’t care about him, Neil only paid attention to him to teach him “respect and responsibility” and make his existence a living hell, and Max hated him ever since he became a bastard with no control on his anger. And he deserved every bit of her hatred. Maybe he was no better than Neil. Maybe he’d end up just like him. Maybe Max would be better off if he didn’t make it to the “land of the living”, as his mother had called it. Maybe everyone would be better off.

Good job on not thinking about all that, dumbass.

He was already discouraged. What was he? A pussy? What he had said to hurt his mother earlier was not true: he was no quitter. If he had been, he’d quit everything a lot sooner, what with living under Neil’s roof, and being held responsible for every little thing that went wrong, and hiding he was gay (until he couldn’t even keep it hidden anymore, thanks to Max letting her mouth run ahead of her brain). His life sucked, but he had not quit.

He would certainly not give up that easy in there, even if everyone would be glad if he did. This fucking place and its fucking evil plan could suck it. He wouldn’t let it defeat him. At least, he would not go down without a fight.

Sure, he had more guilt than any other feeling in him these days, but there was still enough anger and spite left to fuel him for a while. He’d think of something if he ran out before he made it out alive. No need to worry about it yet.

Billy kept walking. He walked for ages, and everything around him still looked the same. The beach, the sea on one side, and the forest on the other. His feet sank in the sand with each step, and his leg muscles were starting to hurt. He was debating on taking a break when the decision was made for him. He tripped on something and fell on his front. He looked for the culprit and found a crowbar partially buried in the sand. What the fuck?

That was probably not a good sign.

He picked it up and sat down, throwing glances left and right, looking for threats. He didn’t know how much time had passed. The sun had not set since he had arrived in this God forsaken place, and Billy wasn’t even hungry or thirsty, but he strangely didn’t think these were indicators. It was nothing like the real world, after all. Different rules must have applied here. Time was meaningless. If someone told Billy he had been here for days, he’d believe it, but it also felt like time had stopped.

At some point, he heard the beeping sound again, and the same voices from before talking about his vitals. Billy’s body had to be in some sort of hospital.

They mentioned again how no one had come to see him.

He wondered why Steve had not visited. Maybe he wasn’t allowed to because he wasn’t family. Or maybe he just didn’t care enough to. Sure, they hang out regularly since Billy had owned up his mistake and apologized like a functional human being, but that didn’t mean Steve considered him a real friend. They weren’t best friends or anything. Well, Steve kind of was Billy’s best friend, but he was also the only one he had. It wasn’t like people were fighting for the spot. And if Billy wanted to be more than Steve’s friend, and would go out of his way to buy ice cream at Scoops Ahoy just to see him in his little sailor uniform even though he didn’t even care for ice cream, well it was his own problem.

“What he we got hold of his sister, doc? She looked distraught when we took his body away from the mall. I can’t imagine she wouldn’t want to see him. Maybe she just doesn’t have any way of coming here. It’s quite far from the Hargrove home, after all”, Billy could hear a woman say.

“Yes, we should give that a try, Linda.”

His eyes widened. Maxine had been sad… about him? That didn’t compute. He had been trying to be less of a bastard to her since that fateful night at the Byers’, but he was still far from deserving the best brother award. He’d still yell at her sometimes, when Neil had been on his ass about whatever stupid ‘problem’ he had come up with to blame on Billy.

And, okay, maybe they had their moments: they sometimes went to the arcade together, or to the movies, or Billy would drive Max to the mall and go shopping with her (she actually listened to his opinions on the outfits she tried, which was wild), and then he’d take her to Scoops and buy her ice cream (with the added bonus of pestering Harrington). But this was in no way enough to warrant her being ‘distraught’ that he got hurt, right? Seemed a bit far-fetched, is all.

She hadn’t visited. It had to mean she wasn’t as upset as the woman, Linda, had thought she was. She surmised that Max had not come to see him because she had no way of getting wherever the hell he was, but Linda didn’t know his sister. If she’d wanted to come, she’d have found a way in no time.

While he was thinking about Max, his eyes drifted to the sea in front of him. He thought he saw something move between the waves. At first, he was certain his mind was playing tricks on him. He hadn’t crossed path with anyone since his mother had left. He was clearly alone. But then, he saw it again. It looked like arms flailing, as if someone were drowning. Then he saw red hair emerge briefly before it disappeared again.

Billy’s heart dropped.

Max.

Her presence in this place didn’t make any sense. It was impossible. She was in Hawkins, alive and kicking (most probably). Billy’s logic had flown out the window, though. Because nothing made sense anymore, and his entire brain was focused on getting to Max as soon as possible.

He swam to her and brought her back on the shore. She was white as a sheet and unresponsive, and Billy was freaking the fuck out. This place could try to kill him all it wanted, but his sister was off limits. He had barely started CPR when Max’s body just… melted. Soon, nothing was left of her but black goo. It was all over Billy’s hands. He stared at it, in shock, and then the goo started shifting, turning back into something solid. He couldn’t tell what it was, exactly, even when the transformation was complete. The thing was a kind of weird as fuck dog, with no eyes and a mouth shaped like a flower full of pointy teeth. It didn’t move, at first, and Billy thankfully regained his bearings before the creature did. He took hold of the crowbar again and held it like a baseball bat, ready to swing if that thing came anywhere with him (which, let’s be realistic, would happen sooner rather than later).

When the creature went for his tibia teeth first, Billy hit it as hard as he could with the metal bar, and then he hit it again, and again, not offering it an occasion to recover and try to eat him again. He only stopped when there was black goo everywhere once again.

He was covered in the stuff, and out of breath. Not his finest moment. He was so gross. He would have liked to clean up a bit but going back in the water after finding this thing in it was absolutely out of the question. If he was a bit reckless, he was not stupid. Walking around covered in black goo it was, then.

There still wasn’t any clue, and his instinct didn’t have anything to say to him, so Billy kept walking along the beach. The sky suddenly darkened and rain started to fall. At least, it would wipe some of the black goo off. Billy was trying to see the bright side. He wasn’t planning on the rain staining his clothes, though. For some reason the rain was red. Like blood. He could have done without that image, but it was there now. He couldn’t unsee it.

The dark clouds and blood-red rain made it hard to see very far in front of him. However, Billy did notice a figure hunching near the woods.

Billy was instantly wary. This place had given him nothing nice since he had left the house in which he had woken up. It probably wouldn’t start to any time soon. He slowed down and gripped the crowbar tighter. He got close enough to be able to tell it was a man. Billy stopped altogether when the guy fell to his knees with a whimper.

“Please…”

Billy squinted. Was that… ?

“Steve?”

The urge to go to him as he had gone to Max swelled in Billy’s chest. He ignored it, nonetheless, considering how it had turned out the first time.

“Help me, please...”

Steve’s voice was raspy, and his breathing was labored.

Billy was almost certain it was another trick this hell had thrown in his way… but what if it wasn’t? He didn’t know how or where Steve was. What if something had also happened to him when Billy had nearly died that night, attacked by a weird tentacled monster at the mall (of all places). Linda had mentioned Max earlier, so it must have meant she was fine, but what about Steve? Maybe he was stuck here, just like Billy.

So, Billy did one of the dumbest things he had ever done (and he’d done his fair share) and knelt down in front of Steve.

“Why did you do this, Hargrove? Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me?”

Steve’s face was bruised. It looked exactly as it did after their fight at the Byers’. Billy was speechless.

“You broke a fucking plate on my head! Did you want to kill me?!”

Steve’s voice was no longer raspy. It was loud and indignant.

“I… Steve… I’m sorry.”

It obviously wasn’t Steve. It was a representation of Steve from the past. But it had not yet turned to black goo, and then to a weird flower-mouthed monster, so Billy didn’t retreat, letting the illusion yell rightful accusations at his face. It was a form of penance, he supposed.

“I’ll never forgive you. Never.”

And that wasn’t true. Steve had forgiven him. He had said so a few days after Billy had apologized. It didn’t make hearing Steve’s voice say that he’d never forgive Billy hurt any less, though.

“Please, Steve, I…”

He had no idea why he was still trying. Obviously, pleading his case with this fake-Steve was a waste of time.

He tried to reach out, putting his hand on fake-Steve’s shoulder. As soon as Billy made contact, fake-Steve dissolved into smoke, making Billy cough and momentarily blinding him.

He could hear just fine, on the other hand, and the sound of snapping teeth coming from the forest meant he’d better move on immediately. Even if he had trouble breathing and couldn’t see shit.

Couldn’t he catch a break, for Christ’s sake?

He ran away as fast as he could, but running in the sand was the worst, so he had to stop sooner than he felt safe stopping. He was still trying to catch his breath when a couple of monstrous dogs came out of the woods to attack him.

He managed to kill them, but his forearm got bitten by one of them. It was a shallow wound, but it stung all the same. Billy prayed to God the number of monsters would not double at each attack. He wouldn’t last much longer if it did.

Thankfully, it didn’t. As he walked, creatures would come out of the woods one or two at a time. It was not insurmountable, but it was still a lot to deal with, especially since the frequency of the attacks didn’t leave him much respite.

After half a dozen of these, Billy’s muscles were so sore he could barely keep moving. He was cold and wet, and his arm still stung. He sat down and struggled to stay upright. His eyelids were so heavy. Sleep called to him like a siren, but his mother’s warning warred with it. He was exhausted, though. Would he ever make it out of there, anyway? He’d been walking for a fucking eternity, and it was the same damn beach, and the same damn trees. How long would it go on? Had he missed a clue on the way? Was he supposed to go into the woods, where all these freaky creatures were coming from? No thank you.

And if he made it out? What would he go back to anyway? Hawkins fucking Indiana, where no one really gave a fuck about him. He’d be back under Neil’s roof, trying to get Max to tolerate him, being friendly with Steve when he wanted to be a lot more than friendly… All of that didn’t sound half as appealing as falling asleep right there on this hellish beach. And if the monsters ate him in his sleep, at least the pain and exhaustion would stop.

His mother had said sleep would make him fall deeper into this place, though. Billy might not die, if he fell asleep. He might suffer a fate worse than death.

However, his brain was too muddled to register it.

He was on the edge of consciousness when he heard a voice again. It was a different one, though. Not Doctor Owens’ or Linda’s.

Max. It was Max!

“Billy… I…” Her voice broke, preventing her from continuing.

She actually came to visit him!

Billy felt a lot more awake, all of a sudden.

“I thought you were dead…. Your doctor called Neil to tell him you were in a coma, and we were allowed to come and see you, and Neil didn’t even tell me. That bastard!”

Max was still crying, but she also sounded furious against Neil, and Billy was living for it (or so to speak).

“Linda… she’s the nurse who’s been taking care of you… she asked for me on the phone this morning. She pretended she was a friend’s mother so she could talk to me and tell me about you. I came as soon as I could. Well, I did call El first, to let her know you were alive. She just moved from Hawkins, so she couldn’t come with. But she says ‘hi’, and she wanted to thank you for saving her. We’re all thankful for that, by the way.”

El must have been the brown-eyed girl that had reached out to him before the monster planted one of his arms in Billy’s chest.

Max was still talking, listing everything that sucked without Billy, the main thing being ‘family’ meals. Billy nearly cried himself. Max thought it sucked that he wasn’t home, that he wasn’t with her… She missed him…

“Max… we have to go, I’m sorry, I’m gonna be late for work. We can come back tomorrow.”

It was… Steve. His voice sounded slightly different, higher than usual, but Billy could still tell it was him. Steve had drove Max to the hospital so she could see him! It was probably for Max more than for Billy, but it was a nice attention, nonetheless.

When the voices stopped, the clouds vanished and the sun shone again, warming Billy up.

When he got up, he noticed the scenery had changed. A few hundred yards in front of him, the beach gave way to a concrete road bordered by rows of trees. As Billy neared the beach’s limits, the “welcome to Hawkins” sign became visible to him. He wouldn’t have thought this sign would ever bring him hope, but here he was. Fucking hopeful.

Once he entered the town, the first house he came across was the Byers’. The lights were on, and Billy could hear some yelling and dull noises coming from inside.

Oh no.

The yelling. He recognized it. It came from Max and her band of nerds.

Did he have to relive his fucking fight with Steve now? What next? Going to the mall and getting wrecked by a monster again?

Billy sighed but still went inside the Byers’. Because his stupid instinct was telling him to. His instinct had been shitty from the start, but Billy still listened to it. Because his mother had told him to. What was he, five years old?

Hearing fake-Steve talk about the fight had been painful enough, but it was nothing compared to witnessing it with his own eyes. Past-Billy was landing punch after punch and present-Billy couldn’t tear his gaze away, despite how much he needed too.

His stomach was churning. He felt like throwing up, even though he had not eaten anything in God knew how long.

He knew Max would soon stop his past-self from hurting Steve any worse. Present-Billy couldn’t even wait for that, however. He was boiling with rage. He was so mad at himself for having taken his shit out on Steve like that… for having behaved like that, like Neil… Billy raised the crowbar he still hadn’t let go of and hit his past-self hard on the head. Past-Billy went down instantly, and everyone in the room turned to dust. Silent fell on the house, and the lights went off, making it even creepier.

Billy left the eerie scene on shaky legs and ran until he collapsed against a tree, unable to carry his own wait anymore. The bark scratched his skin, making him bleed some more.

“Hey Billy… it’s Steve.”

Fuck, had it been a day already since Max and Steven had visited? If it was, time passed a lot quicker in the land of the living than it did down here. How many days had Billy spend in a coma so far? No wonder doctor Owens was worried Billy hadn’t woken up yet.

“Max couldn’t come today… I went over to your house to fetch her but her mom told me she was grounded. What kind of parents would keep their child from visiting their sibling at the hospital? Hell, what kind of parents wouldn’t visit their child at the hospital? Sorry man, but your father and step-mother suck real bad.”

Billy didn’t know what Steve was apologizing for. It wasn’t like he disagreed with any of what he’d just said. Neil had been the one to ground Max, Billy was sure of it. She had probably mentioned she knew Billy was alive, because she couldn’t let things go, and Neil had probably not taken it well. If he had touched a hair on her head, Billy would kill him. Well, he’d find a way out of here, and then he’d kill him.

“Anyway. I thought I’d come by… since Max couldn’t. The nurse said I should talk to you… that it’d help… but I don’t… I… It’s hard. To see you like this, I mean. I nearly cried when I saw you yesterday… I’m sorry, my thoughts are all jumbled. I just… I wish you’d wake up, ‘cause you always seem to have something to say. It used to get on my nerves, when you first came into town… but now I’d do anything to hear your voice again… Even if it’s just to mock me again with your stupid nicknames. It’s just… it’s just not fair. What happened to you.”

Steve sighed shakily.

If he woke up, Billy would have to remember to tell Steve his nicknames didn’t involve any mocking. They were merely stating facts. Steve really was a king, his eyes really did look like Bambi’s, and he really was a pretty boy. The prettiest. He preferred thinking about that than about how devasted Steve sounded. It was safer for what remained of Billy’s sanity.

“I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m such a mess. You’re in a coma, and here I am complaining about how hard it is for me. I’m such a cry-baby.”

Steve sniffed.

“I’ve been a mess since you died. Well, nearly died. And I guess I haven’t fully realized yet that you’re still alive. I’m not used to you being so quiet, that must be why.”

Steven laughed though his tears, and Billy laughed right with him. Steve was actually cracking jokes. What a little shit.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make fun of you when you can’t reply. That’s just rude. I… I don’t even know if you hear me. I really hope you do, though, even though I’m making a fool of myself, crying and laughing at the same time. Maybe I’ve finally lost it.”

Billy felt a phantom touch on his hand, then. But the feeling was gone as soon as it had appeared.

“Sorry… I just really wanted to hold your hand yesterday, when Max was talking to you… but that would have been weird. This is weird too, probably, and you’d probably be mad at me if you were awake… maybe you can feel that and you’re mad at me in your mind. I’m sorry, if that’s the case”.

Had Steve been standing next to Max all along during the first visit? Well, that was a revelation.

Steve didn’t say anything for a while, after that. Billy wondered if he had gone without saying goodbye. He wouldn’t resent him if he had. After all, it wasn’t like Billy could answer.

However, Steve proved his hypothesis wrong when he spoke again:

“I have to go. I have another shift. I work at family video now. It sucks but Robin is still my coworker so that’s pretty cool. I, uh… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Billy had a smile on his face after Steve’s visit. He was frustrated at his inability to reply or to respond to Steve’s touch, but he’d take the frustration any day if it meant being able to hear his pretty boy’s voice.

It gave him the incentive to keep going.

He reached the town center, where everything looked gloomier than usual. Billy wouldn’t have thought it possible before witnessing it. The sun looked greyish, all the shops were closed, the streets were empty. There was no trace of life, no noise except the sound of Billy’s footsteps.

Where was he supposed to go, now? He assumed he had to find his body, but he had no idea where it was. He hadn’t even known there was a hospital in Hawkins before ending up in it, so how was he meant to get there? Linda had said it was quite far from Neil’s house, but that wasn’t much of a clue. What if he wasn’t even in the hospital? He couldn’t remember anyone mentioning it explicitly. There were doctors and nurses, and beeping machines, so a hospital was Billy’s best guess. He couldn’t be sure, though.

He did have to go to the mall? Didn’t he? That was where he had nearly died… it made sense that this place would want him to go there. For closure, or to torture him. Maybe a bit of both. Maybe he’d really have to get impaled by a monster again.

“Ugh, what a fucking mess.” He complained as he went in the direction of the mall.

As soon as he passed the front doors, he doubled over and nearly fell to the floor. He thought his chest was being ripped open all over again. The pain was excruciating, stealing the air from his lungs.

He looked down and was glad to find no bloody hole in his t-shirt. There was no tentacled monster in sight either. Thank God for small mercies.

It still hurt like a motherfucker, though. He felt like someone was carving lines on his torso with a burning knife. Billy chose to lay down on the floor before he lost the fight against gravity.

He curved into a ball and outright whimpered. Thankfully, no one was here to give him shit for this undignified display of weakness. Once again, small mercies…

Billy was nearly sobbing from the pain, and then it just… stopped. Completely. He was a bit winded, but otherwise fine. He sat down slowly and raised his shirt to inspect his chest. It was now covered by a huge scar shaped like an ugly reddish star.

This place had found a way to make him relive his near-death, it seemed.

It gave him no hint of where to go next, though. He had gone through that pain for nothing. Fuck that shit. Was he supposed to look through every store in the damn mall for a damn clue? Uh uh. Not going to happen.

He did go to Scoops Ahoy, however. He thought it would make him feel better.

It didn’t.

The shop was empty and quiet. There was ice cream on display, but Billy didn’t want ice cream. He just wanted the dumb sailor who used to sell them.

He sat down in one of the booths and had a minor breakdown. Okay, a regular-sized breakdown. With ugly crying and heaving breaths and all.

Then the lights attached to the ceiling began flickering, and Billy took that as his cue to leave. He didn’t need another monster-dog attack on top of everything. He was a problem away from reaching his breaking point.

He wandered through town, moving slower than Tommy H.’s brain on a bad day (and that was saying something).

He looked everywhere for a building resembling a hospital and tremendously failed at finding one.

He had been at it for what felt like days, even though the sun hadn’t moved in the sky. During his second visit, Steve had said he’d be back the following day, but the wait felt far longer than it had between the first two visits. Maybe he hadn’t come. Or maybe Billy couldn’t hear him anymore. Maybe he’d fallen asleep without realizing and had slipped deeper into oblivion.

His entire body hurt, he was sleepy again, and he was also bored out of his mind from exploring the town unsuccessfully for far too long. He wouldn’t complain much about the last thing though, just in case this place thought he was asking for more trouble as entertainment.

He went to the woods, next, because there weren’t many other options. In fact, there was none. He walked straight ahead for miles, until he couldn’t go on anymore.

That was it. He was done. He was quitting. It was no use. It was all a cosmic joke. There was no way out of here. He’d never find the land of the living. It was a gigantic lie. This place had sent a copy of his mother to lure him into doing what it wanted. Limbo would never let him leave. Either that or Billy was in his own fucked-up head and would stay trapped in it forever.

He didn’t cry, for he had no more tears to shed. He knelt on the forest floor. It was muddy, but considering Billy’s clothes were covered in monster’s goo, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Also, his clothes were the least of his concerns.

He wanted to yell, for the drama of it, but he could only whisper:

“I give up. You hear me? I give up.”

He didn’t know precisely whom he was addressing. This place, God, whatever higher power was behind this, his own twisted subconscious. It was of no real importance.

He could hear twigs cracking and teeth snapping all around him. He didn’t move. The monster-dogs could tear him apart, for all he cared. He had lost the crowbar, anyway. He had probably forgotten it at the mall, after being all but stabbed.

Billy didn’t watch, but he heard the monsters approaching. And then he heard Steve’s voice again and relief washed over him. He was still able to feel then. Good to know.

“Hey Billy. I’m sorry. I couldn’t come yesterday, in the end. My parents came back in town and basically forced me to spend time with them, as a family. The nerve of them! As if they didn’t forget I exist most of the time.”

Why had the monster-dogs not yet sunk their teeth in every part of Billy’s body they could reach? Perplexed, he opened his eyes. There was no flower-mouthed monster in sight. He could have sworn he had heard them. Either it had been a hallucination cooked up by his exhausted mind (maybe everything that had happened was), or Steve’s voice had made them disappear.

“Er… instead of saying depressing shit like last time, I thought I’d read something to you, since you love reading so much… But then I actually remembered I’m shit at reading… So, I brought my guitar instead. Linda said it was fine.”

Was King Steve going to serenade Billy, just like that? No way.

Steve started playing, unknowingly answering Billy’s question.

He couldn’t believe it. He’d experienced a lot of weird stuff in limbo, but that won the cake.

Then Steve started singing, and he was good! Like, honest to God amazing. And he had chosen to sing Bridge over troubled water, which might have been the best part of all this.

Billy yearned to wake up at that moment, more than ever. Fuck. Steve was singing to him with the voice of an angel, and Billy was just laying there, unable to move. He couldn’t watch Steve’s long fingers run over the strings of his guitar, and that was positively tragic.

While Billy was wallowing in self-pity, Steve’s voice seemed to retreat, to come from farther away.

“Oh no. No, no, no. Please, don’t take this away from me too.”

Fortunately, the voice didn’t disappear. Billy could still hear it clearly enough. It had just… moved?

As in a trance, Billy got up and walked in the direction the voice seemed to have gone in. When Billy came near, it moved again, and he followed it.

The song ended, and Billy thought he would be lost again, but Steve started playing Homeward bound directly after finishing Bridge over troubled water (apparently, he was in a Simon & Garfunkel mood).

His melodious voice guided Billy until he reached a big, square building.

It had to be where Billy’s body was. Where Steve was.

Billy went inside, and felt a phantom touch on his hand again.

He would do it, he would wake up, and see Steve, and hold his hand.

He searched through every room and found Steve and himself in the last one (because, of fucking course he would, this place was shitty like that), as he was on the verge of fainting from exhaustion.

Not knowing what else to do, he lay down in the bed, where his body was, and closed his eyes.

He suddenly gasped for air as he had when he ‘woke up’ in Limbo. It felt different, though. Like relief.

“Billy?! Are you awake?”

He opened his eyes and his gaze immediately fell on Steve, who was still holding his hand. Billy squeezed Steve’s hand weakly.

“Hey… I’m so glad to see your beautiful eyes.”

Billy would have said the same to Steve, but the idea of formulating a full sentence was exhausting in and of itself.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.” Billy murmured with a small smile.

“I’ll go get the nurse.” Steve got up.

Billy gripped his hand with all the force he could muster, which wasn’t a lot, to prevent him from leaving.

Steve got the message and sat back down.

“Maybe later, then.”

Billy hummed his agreement and marveled at how full of joy Steve’s eyes were.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, you can find me on Tumblr at https://lightsupinthenorth.tumblr.com/ ;)


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